interruption in regularly scheduled programming
(trigger warning: allusions to sexual violence)
— — — — — — — — — — —
i slipped.
that’s my understanding of it.
there’s a word, there’s a language, a lexicon culturally exhausted and —bullied, overused. instituted only a handful of years ago and already burned out. i refuse to employ any of it.
gently, respectfully?
fuck that noise.
it’s not a gunshot and i’m not killing either of us.
there’s no hammer no gunpowder no bullet no new wound.
it has always been quiet slow metaphysical peeling
of a scabbed over scar
the small fibres of flesh snapping
cells ripped from one another
the absences in space weeping open
bleeding out, frankly
it is still violence to feel this,
but when i tell you it was more like a chasm torn open —
i denied it was happening
i flinched at the shape sound slurred syllables in my mouth
the stab of signals
by tongue and teeth trying to tell me in the language so i’d get it
but there i was
putting my hands on it there i was trying to box it up
but my body knows it like Remembering
and to Remember is more than to just see the wound
it is to Arrive at the scene with immense force and truth
wearing a coat of primal fear
it is to Remember (how could you forget)
to Know you are fractured you see there is a crack where the light of every day cannot reach
pandora’s tied it up for me in code and symbols and scents
wonder was it the phone calls or phrases when it’s pried open the world changes i slip and it envelops me pervades every sense in my body she was taking over i was descending blindly i was stuck under him i felt it in my throat
and then i couldn’t breathe and the snot was dripping comically but all i could smell was metal and thin sharp salt open-mouthed gazing at my bedroom wall it was a horror show limp and taking it my lungs not real not there silent sob losing air i was drooling my shirt gathering oceans my ears popped i was falling i looked down at my phone buoyed oceans away hand on my mouth i travelled and was he angry and i couldn’t tell you but there was a clock on the wall and it didn’t keep time there was a valley inside me the pain the scent there were hills the slide ache terror whore rocking into the wall hit like a dog the fear the shake the slamming the assault against reality suspended in another time’s gravity the every cry to god the every prayer i ever said i am younger here than i am i Remember my voice stolen i remember the Mouth the crest the spasm i Remember the collapse of everything i remember i remember i remember (how could i forget) (how did i forget) (how did i hide this) how i Remember the End of the World
